Hari 20 — Sense of Humour

Albus Dumbledore (wizardingworld.com)

Welcome to the 20th day and the last week of my #AdventCalendar. Like some of the previous pieces, I never intended to write this, nor did I intend to write them in English. It just crossed my mind, and here we are.

To be honest, this piece won’t be about humour. I wanted to write that a couple of minutes ago but somehow my mind picked another topic. I use the title just to “mask” so people don’t “want” to read this. Before we begin, I’m currently not 100% sure if this will be a comfortable read or not. So, if you don’t want to read this then you may leave this site now.

Okay, let’s begin.

Suicidal thoughts

It’s not fun writing about this, but it’s less fun if I keep it inside my head. So, I decided to write this down instead of letting things wander in my brain.

Well, I think my first experience with suicidal thoughts came about three or four years ago. I had a major heartbreak, and yeah, it was really painful. You may cringe or even laugh at me, but it’s okay. Go ahead, do what you want. I don’t really care.

When I recovered from that heartbreak, I thought I would be okay. I thought the suicidal thoughts would never return. But, boy, I was wrong. They can come anytime, without any trigger, and usually, they will stay for some time. But, not too long, tho, probably two hours top.

Sometimes I can identify why I think about suicide. One of the major reasons is after I committed a certain sin, and I felt like sh*t for the whole day (sometimes even continued to the day after). Another reason is that I remembered a particular thing from the past which made me really angry. Usually, I would be really upset and induce myself into an imaginary conversation, in which I continued to be mad there.

The most recent reason why suicidal thoughts keep coming to my head is my idleness. Sometimes I’m guilty of it because of my laziness (I know what to do, how to do it, but somehow I don’t want to do it! Stupid, right?). At other times it happened because of external factors; most recently about work. I have written my complaints previously in this series. You can check them here and here.

Spectrum

A couple of days ago, I encountered an online article about suicidal thoughts. They put down some reasons why people experience such thoughts, and I think I can relate to some of them. The article also suggests that suicidal thoughts are more like a spectrum, in which they have degrees of seriousness from mild to severe.

Fortunately, I think what I experience is only mild suicidal thoughts. The most common thought when that occurs in my head is these sentences: “Just kill me now” or “Why would You let me live if I keep doing this?”. I felt pretty relieved when the article said thoughts like that don’t last long, and don’t make the person feel overwhelmed.

For me, one thing that helps is writing. Whenever I type words with my laptop, I feel like Albus Dumbledore extracting his thoughts into the Pensieve. I feel more at ease whenever I write. So, I think, yeah, to some extent, writing really helps.

Another thing that helps is talking to others. But not particularly talking about my problems or my thoughts, as I usually find it difficult to share personal things with others, even with my loved ones. By “talking” I mean talking in general. I like to join in conversations with my friends, talk about stuff, share some laughs, etc. For me, this helps as the conversations would occupy my mind and make me forget about negative thoughts. Even for only five minutes.

As I didn’t plan to write this, I don’t know how to close this piece. But, one good thing is now I feel a bit relaxed than before. Thank you for reading.

I’m Petrick Sinuraya, a 24-year-old football writer based in Indonesia. Currently, I’m working for one of Indonesia’s biggest football media outlets.

For inquiries, please contact me at petricksinuraya@gmail.com.

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